Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Why I've Been the Worst Blogger Ever Lately

I have been a total blogging slouch lately which is unusual for me given my VERY Type A personality. There are a few reasons for this. They are: 1.) I discovered the Twilight series and 2.) I've been having a 1/3 life crisis as the thought of MOTHERHOOD looms on the horizon. Our second court date is in just 9 days - just a few days from my birthday. If all goes well, we plan to get on a plane February 7th bound for Ethiopia. We will spend a week seeing some of the country and fly to meet Baby E's birthmother (if possible) who lives quite a distance from Addis. We have actually booked our airline tickets in faith. I recently read a quote that said "When faith goes to market, it always takes a basket." So, we are trying to act on our expectation of God moving on 1/29. If faith is the "assurance of things hoped for", then we are just going to have to believe God that He will not delay in bringing our girls home. We have been especially comforted by a verse from Habakkuk that says "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay" (Hab. 2:3). Thanks to several of you for bringing this great word to our attention after Big Bad Wednesday. I have been trying to stand on that promise over these last few weeks and claim it as ours.

Now - to the other stuff. I was turned on to the Twilight series by my friend Cheryl who dragged me to see the movie. Since that day, I have read all four books in about a week and half. Is anyone else out there a total Twilight nerd embarrassed at how much time you have wasted living in teen-angst land and wishing your husband was a vampire? If so, please contact me. There must be a support group out there somewhere... If you are on wait list (or delayed waiting for a follow-up court date) and need a delicious and campy distraction, go pick those books up! You can then waste additional time on YouTube finding videos of the cast from the movie. You can literally lose hours in the Twilight time warp (which is good if your days of waiting are passing slowly and you are off work!). I'm telling you, there is a total dorkathon going on at our house right now (just ask Davis).

Twilight seemed to have factored into the other reason I've been off the blog lately. Put simply - I've been freaking out about the real prospect of being a mom and how that will radically change our lives. I've always been a bit freaked out about this in the general sense, but booking the airline tickets kind of put me over the edge because it started to feel REAL for the first time. For some reason, the thought of taking on the M O M title makes me feel really O L D (finding out that the Twilight actors were born in 1986 and 1990 - OUCH! - didn't help either). I know that motherhood will mandate self-sacrifice and I guess I didn't realize how much the selfish, fleshly side of me was going to fight that. I know we want this - and are called to this - but there is a part of me that is screaming "no! No! NO!" on the inside because that part of me would just rather continue having myself as the center of the universe. I feel like there's a war going on in my head, a war for who will have control of my life. I am certain that on the spiritual side of this we will face our greatest opposition when taking our greatest step of faith. Given that, it's no surprise that I feel strangely conflicted about something I have been so certain about for so long. I've also talked to some of my dearest girlfriends about this in the last week or so and they have all said that something like this happened right before their kids were born. I'm hoping this may also be a natural part of the process of this huge life change. Looking at things now, I honestly wonder if part of why we got delayed had to do with the fact that I had some pouty adolescence that God knew needed to be dealt with in order for me to truly take on the task of being the mother these little girls will need. I have been praying all along that God would make our hearts and our home ready for these girls. My home is looking pretty good. My heart seems to need a bit more work.

The thing we have both learned during this season of waiting is that the most important thing you can do for your children is to pray for them. You can plan and prepare and purchase but God needs you - more than anything else- to surrender your children to Him. This season has forced us to learn that. We were given a great book at our last shower called Power of a Praying Parent (I'm not normally into the big Christian franchise products - but this one is actually great) that helped us to see how critical prayer is as a parent. The author begins the book with a verse from Lamentations 2:19: "Pour out your heart like water before the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children." That's what we have been doing these last six weeks - lifting up our young children to God since we can't be with them. Along with that, I have seen in my recent "Do I really even want to be a mom?" meltdown(s) that we must lift our own hearts up to God and ask Him to fill them with the love and strength to raise our children - a love that we will not have on our own because we are innately selfishness.

So that's what we've been up to. We would ask that you stand with us in prayer these next few days as we wait for what we hope will be our last court date. Please pray that 1.) Baby E's birthmother has no complications with getting to court, 2.) Needed documents (2 of them) are available and sufficient, 3.) God make our hearts (and particularly mine) ready and willing to take on this huge change and challenge. Thanks so much!

Here's a few recent pics just for fun.

My patient and compassionate husband took me to San Francisco this past weekend for a last hurrah - no kid weekend. Late nights out in the city helped a bit with that pent up adolescence that's been making me crazy!

Where is that support group?


Anonymous said...

You aren't the worst blogger! Thank you for being transparent enough to share what's going on in your heart. Besides, WE KNOW you are going to be a wonderful mother even if your inner self is doing the selfich dance. I think that parenthood is a part of our sanctification process, because it certainly involves dying to ourselves, and it helps us to understand just a little about God's love for us, his children. As soon as you hold those little girls, Satan's arrows of doubt will drop away. And even if you still feel weird, there will be no time to be selfish, because someone will need to be fed/changed/soothed. That's another way God jolts us out of ourselves: the total dependence of others on YOU! You will not have the energy to think about anything other than them for a while. Much love to you and prayers on your behalf, Steph

sparkz said...

I'm glad to see you back blogging. I understand though, as I am a total Twerd (Twilight Nerd)and am right there with you! I actually saw the movie with school in early Nov. and then HAD to read the books. I read them over Thanksgiving break and then gave them to my husband to read. We've seen the movie 3 times!

I have actually thought about buying our plane tickets already! :)

I can't wait to hear things went well on your court date! Its so soon!!!! :)

Khirsten said...

Great post Sarah. So cool to see God working in your life as you progress toward becoming a Mom!!!

You will find that there is nothing like motherhood. You won't believe how much love you have for your girls. More than you ever thought you had to give! Being a mom to my kids has made me a better person. I can't wait to continue following you on your journey. A friend of mine gave me a book called Sacred Parenting. Wow, what a book. It is about how being a parent changes you. Amazing read if you have the chance.

As far as Twilight...I need that support group too! I think I read them just about as quick as you. I was always dashing out the door to Half Price Books for the next one!

Joey&Casey said...

Hey SAra:) I found your blog through your facebook page...or maybe it was DAvis' page, but, I just wanted to say that it made me smile (hopefully not at your expense), as I read about the internal wrestle that you are going through about being mama and going through the very large change that it brings. I know I am younger than you but my brain is in a very similar place as Joey and I have been wrestling with the same thing for quite some time..the strong longing to be a parent and the other strong longing to stay free:) lol. My mom has given me some awesome scriptural encouragement..not too many things on this earth does God describe as a blessing, but children, he does, "Children are a blessing from the Lord...Psalm 127:3-5..your taking a plunge of faith and God will rock your socks off:). Plus, in case you didn't already know..you will be like the hottest non-vampire mom on Earth!!! haha:) seriously though:)

bre said...

ohh Feb 7th is my bday so it must be right:) Can't wait to hear the good news about this court date!
I think motherhood panic-ing is perfectly normal. I still panic infact last night I set on my bathroom floor after a big scare involving Riley and claritan and said what am I doing??? to the Lord. I feel like I am failing on the motherhood front right now because my children won't listen and no matter how many times a day I am cleaning my house it gets destroyed and needs to be redone. So, thus my meltdown of "what am I doing-poor me -I am not worthy of being a mom-" The cool thing is we have a Father who cares and hears our hearts and sees our worries and concerns. He reminded me of something in my heart and that He is here with me. You are going to do fine ,it is a journey for sure but a good one and well worth the sacrafices we make. Oh and I went to the library today and much to my dismay the twilight series was already checked out I am dying to read them....Guess I'll have to buy them

April said...

LOL Sarah - you crack me up. In terms of the freaking out about being a full time mom, I'm with you. In April last year, my step-son moved in with us, permenatly! The day I booked the tickets I brokedown and cried for hours because I was so freaked! So I undestand. Just know that God will give you all that you need -- but I tell you -- parenthood truly makes you feel small and makes you rely on Him all the more!

Monica said...

Praying for your court date this week. Oh, and I am having those overwhelming motherhood feelings right along with you!

sparkz said...

Four days, are you nervous? I CAN'T WAIT to hear that you've got through. Please email and let me know! I'll be checking in as much as I can!!!! I am praying for you! :)

Farmboy and Buttercup said...

Ha! I read Twilight to "prescreen" it for my 11 yr old daughter. Well, I am not going to allow her to read it yet, as she doesn't need her heart stirred like that quite yet, but I must say I was "bitten" too.

I usually enjoy reading really good writers, and Stephanie is certainly not that. But she does have a gift to draw you in, teenagers or almost 40 yr olds alike. I only read the first one, as a few friends said the books get worse, and one said she could barely get through the last one. Should I reconsider???

Nice to meet you.