Why I've Been the Worst Blogger Ever Lately

I have been a total blogging slouch lately which is unusual for me given my VERY Type A personality. There are a few reasons for this. They are: 1.) I discovered the Twilight series and 2.) I've been having a 1/3 life crisis as the thought of MOTHERHOOD looms on the horizon. Our second court date is in just 9 days - just a few days from my birthday. If all goes well, we plan to get on a plane February 7th bound for Ethiopia. We will spend a week seeing some of the country and fly to meet Baby E's birthmother (if possible) who lives quite a distance from Addis. We have actually booked our airline tickets in faith. I recently read a quote that said "When faith goes to market, it always takes a basket." So, we are trying to act on our expectation of God moving on 1/29. If faith is the "assurance of things hoped for", then we are just going to have to believe God that He will not delay in bringing our girls home. We have been especially comforted by a verse from Habakkuk that says "For the vision is yet for the appointed time; it hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay" (Hab. 2:3). Thanks to several of you for bringing this great word to our attention after Big Bad Wednesday. I have been trying to stand on that promise over these last few weeks and claim it as ours.


Now - to the other stuff. I was turned on to the Twilight series by my friend Cheryl who dragged me to see the movie. Since that day, I have read all four books in about a week and half. Is anyone else out there a total Twilight nerd embarrassed at how much time you have wasted living in teen-angst land and wishing your husband was a vampire? If so, please contact me. There must be a support group out there somewhere... If you are on wait list (or delayed waiting for a follow-up court date) and need a delicious and campy distraction, go pick those books up! You can then waste additional time on YouTube finding videos of the cast from the movie. You can literally lose hours in the Twilight time warp (which is good if your days of waiting are passing slowly and you are off work!). I'm telling you, there is a total dorkathon going on at our house right now (just ask Davis).


Twilight seemed to have factored into the other reason I've been off the blog lately. Put simply - I've been freaking out about the real prospect of being a mom and how that will radically change our lives. I've always been a bit freaked out about this in the general sense, but booking the airline tickets kind of put me over the edge because it started to feel REAL for the first time. For some reason, the thought of taking on the M O M title makes me feel really O L D (finding out that the Twilight actors were born in 1986 and 1990 - OUCH! - didn't help either). I know that motherhood will mandate self-sacrifice and I guess I didn't realize how much the selfish, fleshly side of me was going to fight that. I know we want this - and are called to this - but there is a part of me that is screaming "no! No! NO!" on the inside because that part of me would just rather continue having myself as the center of the universe. I feel like there's a war going on in my head, a war for who will have control of my life. I am certain that on the spiritual side of this we will face our greatest opposition when taking our greatest step of faith. Given that, it's no surprise that I feel strangely conflicted about something I have been so certain about for so long. I've also talked to some of my dearest girlfriends about this in the last week or so and they have all said that something like this happened right before their kids were born. I'm hoping this may also be a natural part of the process of this huge life change. Looking at things now, I honestly wonder if part of why we got delayed had to do with the fact that I had some pouty adolescence that God knew needed to be dealt with in order for me to truly take on the task of being the mother these little girls will need. I have been praying all along that God would make our hearts and our home ready for these girls. My home is looking pretty good. My heart seems to need a bit more work.

The thing we have both learned during this season of waiting is that the most important thing you can do for your children is to pray for them. You can plan and prepare and purchase but God needs you - more than anything else- to surrender your children to Him. This season has forced us to learn that. We were given a great book at our last shower called Power of a Praying Parent (I'm not normally into the big Christian franchise products - but this one is actually great) that helped us to see how critical prayer is as a parent. The author begins the book with a verse from Lamentations 2:19: "Pour out your heart like water before the Lord. Lift your hands toward Him for the life of your young children." That's what we have been doing these last six weeks - lifting up our young children to God since we can't be with them. Along with that, I have seen in my recent "Do I really even want to be a mom?" meltdown(s) that we must lift our own hearts up to God and ask Him to fill them with the love and strength to raise our children - a love that we will not have on our own because we are innately selfishness.

So that's what we've been up to. We would ask that you stand with us in prayer these next few days as we wait for what we hope will be our last court date. Please pray that 1.) Baby E's birthmother has no complications with getting to court, 2.) Needed documents (2 of them) are available and sufficient, 3.) God make our hearts (and particularly mine) ready and willing to take on this huge change and challenge. Thanks so much!

Here's a few recent pics just for fun.

My patient and compassionate husband took me to San Francisco this past weekend for a last hurrah - no kid weekend. Late nights out in the city helped a bit with that pent up adolescence that's been making me crazy!

Where is that support group?