And So It Begins: Good Hair

Recently, we watched the new Chris Rock documentary Good Hair. In it, Rock offers an in-depth look at the black hair care industry here in the United States.

The documentary was birthed when one of Rock's own daughters asked him "Daddy, why don't I have good hair?" The whole concept of "good hair" and "bad hair" is one that, while apparently commonplace in the black community, is pretty far-removed from the lives of many outside of that community. While the idea of a "bad hair day" seems to be fairly universal and transcendent, the concept of hair that is by definition "good" or "bad" seems to be a significant part of the black experience, an experience that those of us outside of the black community do not share.

When we were in the process of adopting, we heard so much about hair as it related to transracial adoption. While I understood that it was an issue to be addressed like all others, I felt like maybe too big of a deal was being made over the topic of hair. After all, hair is hair - right? Wrong. I had one friend (who is black) remark when she saw the pictures of our girls, "Oh, they have good hair. You'll be fine." I actually heard that several times, even once from an Ethiopian woman who told me that we wouldn't have any problems taking care of them as they had "good hair". In many ways, these friends have been right. Their hair really has not been that big of a deal. Does that fact that I have to pick out and style not one, but two, little heads of curls add 20 extra minutes to our day every time I get them ready? Absolutely. We are pretty much late everywhere now, in large part because of those curls (and a million other things on any given day). But aside from the time styling requires, their hair is really not that big of deal to manage. I found through trial and error two great products (Just for Me Hair Milk and Redken Outshine) that I love and we just know that we will go through LOTS of hair product in our home. But my girls' hair looks great and I have never felt "overwhelmed" by their hair. I often tell people that it's really not unlike the curly hair of friends I know of other ethnicities. Their hair is just really curly - two little mops of tight ringlets. I think that their hair is one of their best features because it is so unique. I can't tell you how many times I have envisioned them as teenagers rocking their gorgeous manes. And then I saw Good Hair.

What this film reminded me of in a very obvious way is that my girls and I are different and the societal pressures for beauty that they will experience will be different from my own. As women, we will share the same experience of living in a culture that tells us we must be in a continual process of self-modification as we try to make ourselves "beautiful enough" by a societal standard imposed on us by advertisers and celebrity stylists (among others). But there are areas of divergence where I will not be able to relate to their experiences in our culure. Yes, many white women dye or highlight their hair (myself included) and do all kinds of other random things in the name of hair care (anyone heard about the $300 Brazilian Blowout we all just have to have right now?) but most of us in the white community don't put a product on our heads - sodium hydroxide - that can eat through a tin can in four hours and causes terrible skin burns on the scalp just so that we can try to morph our own hair into something that will be socially accepted as "good".

It is going to be hard raising girls. I have had concerns about this since the day we received our referral for two sweet little ladies. Our culture is fairly toxic to young women and girls but from what I saw in Good Hair, it may be even more toxic to black women. As I white woman, I feel no pressure to have the hair of a woman of another ethnicity sewn onto my own so that I fit a social model for attractiveness (did you know that a huge export from India is human hair...hair that is used to create the weaves that give Beyonce and many other black stars their amazing locks?) Good Hair suggest that this is a norm in the black community and that women of all socio-economic backgrounds pay thousands of dollars on weaves that in essence give them hair that can be tossed around over one's shoulders a la Farrah Fawcett. This is troubling to me as it appears our culture is telling black women that their own hair - something that is indicative of their ethnic background and heritage - is not acceptable. I can now understand why having an afro in the 1970's could have been seen as a political statement about reclaiming one's "blackness". After viewing the film, it made me wish more women felt comfortable enough to do what Solange Knowles (Beyonce's sis) did by ditching the weave in lieu of her natural hair - which is gorgeous on her.

The other day, Junia was riding in the backseat as we headed off for some family adventure. She said - totally out of the blue - "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to have straight hair." My heart broke a little at that and I thought to myself, "And so it begins." I told her how beautiful her curly hair is and asked why she would want straight hair. She had no answer other than to reiterate emphatically that she wanted straight hair. She brought this up again a few days later saying once again how she wanted straight hair. I had kind of assumed that since my girls have "good hair" (or so I have been told) that they would celebrate their gorgeous curls in the same way I do. Perhaps not. Why does she want straight hair? It's not like she's watching Hannah Montana at 3 so as to get the idea that she should look like her. As far as I know, Barney and Elmo (well, maybe Elmo) don't get weaves. The hard thing here is that she probably wants it because that is what I have. Mommy will always have the kind of flowing mane that society calls beautiful in its very limited definition of beauty and she will not. And that, among many other things, will pose challenges for us in a transracial family. It will be easy for me to tell her not to want to use toxic chemicals to relax those precious ringlets, but I don't have to live with them in a culture where they serve as a reminder of how I am different. Good Hair is a very interesting and funny film but also one that offers a sobering reminder that transracial adoption should not be entered into lightly. I like the idea that "all you need is love" but life doesn't work that way. My job as mother will be hard enough as I try to convince my daughters to reject all of the media crap that says they aren't beautiful enough. Add to that the additional challenge of having to help them navigate many social messages about beauty that affirm my ethnic heritage while ignoring or rejecting theirs, and I have my work cut out for me. Lucky for them, I think they are truly the most beautiful little girls I have ever seen in my entire life. It's just a matter of helping them see that too. As Stormie Omartian writes in her book The Power of Praying Parent: "One of the difficult things chidren must deal with are the lies that can come into their minds masquerading as truth." She goes on to say that if a child knows that God loves her and accepts her, that can radically change her life experience as it relates to seeing herself as a person of worth and value. She reminds parents that we are often the channel by which God's love is experienced in the life of a child. I know that I will spend my life praying that God will teach me how to love my children - beautiful black children who do not look like me - in such a way that they will see how beautiful they are in His sight.

How can you not love this? A 3 1/2 year old wearing purple skinny jeans with ankle zips and doing so with such gusto. Rock on, Big Bear.