Heading for the Hills With No Sidecar

Tomorrow we are leaving for our first weekend away from the Little Ladies since they came home six months ago. We will be celebrating our 11th anniversary mountain biking in the Sierras. I have been thinking since we planned our trip how this - leaving the girls for the first time - was going to be no big deal. Now that we are about to actually go, I'm surprised at how mixed my emotions are, particularly since I'm not a really emotional person. I'm definitely looking forward to some time away alone with my wonderful husband. (If our time away involves sleep and quiet, all the better!) However, I am also a bit sad that Big Bear and Little Bear won't be joining us. Even though they complicate things immensely in any kind of travel context (what traveler doesn't want to bring along bags full of sippy cups, bibs, diapers, pull-ups, wipes, juice boxes, toys, crayons, car seats, strollers, etc., etc., etc.?), when you just get used to always having them in your sidecar, the road doesn't feel right when they aren't there, even if you do travel lighter. I have no doubt that they will be fine as they will be in very capable and loving hands in our brief absence. It's me I wonder about! I've asked Davis about a thousand times this week, "What if they forget I'm their mom while we are gone?" He seems fairly confident this will not happen and tells me I am being dramatic but it's the kind of thing that haunts you as an adoptive parent. I'm sure birth parents worry about all kinds of things when leaving their children in another's care but probably not if their kids won't know they are theirs upon their return.

Our last trip alone to the Sierras was significant because when we came back we started our paperwork with Gladney to begin our adoption. It was during those hours on the dark road home that we discussed whether or not we should begin our family through adoption. On that trip, I asked Davis if he felt this was where God was leading our family. He told me "We have rooms in our house that no one lives in, we have some money in the bank, we are ready to be parents and there are children that need parents. I don't know what more of a sign from God we are looking for." And that was that. He had reached a place where he felt as I did and our decision was made. For me, God had already impressed upon me that we could add another place (or what ended up being two places!) at our kitchen table. It was a simple but very resonate image for me. In my heart, I felt strongly that we could - and should - just make some more room in our home and in our hearts for children that needed a place to sit down and call home. We are now at another crossroads of sorts and headed off to the mountains again. We are now a family of four contemplating adding another place at the table at some point. We are once again seeking God's direction. From our perspective, we think we may be able to accommodate one more child in our family - financially, spatially, Mommy's sanity, etc. The question now is how this child should come into our family. I wrote previously about each person living out their own story. At this point, we are not sure if biological children are to be a part of the story God is writing for our family. We are open to forgoing a biological child in the effort to meet the needs of another orphan if that is what God has for us. This is a big decision though and one part of me isn't sure I'm ready to give up the possibility of what seems to be such an expected "circle of life" human experience. If we don't have a birth child now in order to take on another adoption, will we find ourselves down the road later in life saying "Coulda Woulda Shoulda"? And not because adoption was any kind of Plan B for us - as you know, adoption was our Plan A, something we chose enthusiastically and purposefully for many reasons - but more because a birth child could also be another kind of blessing from God in our family. On the other side, if I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure if I really need that experience to feel complete personally or to complete our family. It makes me feel like a weirdo to say that but our family feels very full now. I don't feel like something is lacking because our children did not come from my body. I don't have the ache that some describe for biological children. If that's true, I can't help but wonder if God designed me to be an adoptive mom rather than a birth mom if I am to serve Him most fully. I guess since we have already long abandoned "normal" as a descriptor for our family, I shouldn't worry so much. We just have to live out our own "normal"and be ok with that. The question is what our "normal" should look like. And so we pray and wait for God to lead us down the next path for our family.

In my last post, I highlighted Junia and Eden's Gammy and lest their Poppa feel left out, I'm including a picture from our recent readoption day in US court. Sweet Poppa left at 4am from his and Gammy's house just to be able to join us for the special day. We celebrated with frozen yogurt and Poppa teaching the girls to say "I'm official!" Our girls are blessed to have Grandmas and Grandpas that are shameless in their grandchild adoration much to our Little Ladies absolute delight. Until you become a parent, you don't realize how much it will mean to see your own parents adore your children.